Attachment Theory-How do different Attachment Styles manifest in Relationships?
Attachment Theory
The Attachment Theory, which was developed by Mary Ainsworth and was founded by psychotherapist John Bowlby in the 1950s, describes how your relationship with your primary caretakers lays the groundwork for how you negotiate relationships in the rest of your life.
According to Krista Jordan, PhD, a psychologist and couple therapist in Texas, “the idea claims that a human infant’s fundamental goal is to maintain proximity to its caregiver, [which] was vital for survival during our evolution.”
Because of this evolution, according to Jordan, “Bowlby thought that babies and toddlers were watching their parents to see what methods would allow them to stay close.”
Attachment Styles
There are four categories of attachment styles, per the theory:
l Secure
l Avoidant (also referred as dismissive, or anxious-avoidant in children)
l Anxious (also referred as preoccupied, or anxious-ambivalent in children)
l Disorganized (also referred as fearful-avoidant in children)
The last three of them are considered insecure attachment patterns, which are averse, uneasy, and chaotic in nature.
A child is more likely to have a secure attachment type if they can constantly rely on their parents to meet their needs as they get older. Relationships will be seen by them as a secure setting where they are free to express their emotions.
On the other side, if a child has a tense relationship with their caretakers, insecure attachment styles develop. This occurs when the child realizes they might not be able to rely on others to provide their comfort and fundamental requirements.
According to Jordan, we unknowingly behave in various ways because of the expectations we have of our love partners. Whether or not we are aware of it, these tendencies are at work.
A 2018 research reports,
According to a reliable source, when it comes to relationships, males score more on avoidance while women score higher on anxiety. These slight gender differences, however, do not directly affect a person’s attachment style.
Any primary relationships you have can influence your attachment style.
According to Katarzyna Peoples, PhD, a relationship counselor and core faculty member at Walden University’s Counseling Education and Supervision doctoral program, “the most important takeaway is realizing that someone can change from an insecure attachment style and develop healthy and secure bonds in future relationships.”
Now we will talk about these different attachment styles one by one, and how do they manifest in adult relationships?
Secure Attachment Style
Being able to seek comfort or affirmation without fear of retaliation from your caretakers as a youngster will lead to a stable attachment.
In the end, your early contacts made you feel secure, comprehended, reassured, and appreciated.
Your caretakers were likely sensitive to your needs and conscious of their own feelings and actions.
Children so both get and model (imitate) stable attachment from their caretakers, continues Peoples.
Signs
Secure Attachment Style is indicated by:
l Ability to self-reflect in partnerships
l Being easy to connect with
l Ability to manage conflict well
l High self-esteem
l Ability to be Emotionally Available
l Ability to seek emotional support
l Comfortable Being Alone
l Comfortable in Close Relationships
l Ability to Seek Emotional Support
How it appears in partnerships?
According to Peoples, “Securely attached people grow up feeling physically and emotionally comfortable and can interact with others in a healthy way.”
Because of this, individuals with secure attachment patterns frequently manage relationships well. They tend to be caring, trusting, and positive toward their spouses.
According to Peoples, “they trust their partners’ motivations and envy is frequently not a problem for them.” People who are securely bonded believe they are deserving of love and don’t require outside validation.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant is the same insecure attachment style as dismissive-avoidant or anxious-avoidant.
According to Peoples, “[it] is defined by failures to develop lasting relationships with others due to a lack of physical and emotional intimacy.”
How it progresses?
You might have grown up with stern, emotionally distant, or absent parents.
They rejected you when you expressed your needs or emotions, left you to fend for yourself, and expected you to be independent, proven unresponsive to your fundamental demands.
Jordan continues, “Some avoidant-producing parents are simply busy, barely interested, and more concerned about things like grades, housework, or manners than feelings, hopes, dreams, or concerns.
As a result, according to Peoples, these kids may learn to develop a strong feeling of independence so they’re not dependent on anybody else for assistance or care.
Signs
Your attachment type may be Avoidant if you:
l Avoid emotional or physical intimacy
l Consistently have a strong feeling of independence, find it uncomfortable expressing your emotions, dismissing others, and finding it difficult to trust others
l Spend more time alone than with others, feeling scared by everyone who approaches you
l Believe that you can live without other people, having “commitment difficulties”
How it appears in partnerships?
According to Peoples, avoidant-attached adults may favor keeping relationships at a distance.
She continues, “This type of person just lacks the urge for emotional connection, which prevents love relationships from developing to any depth.
Peoples explains that while they permit romantic partners to interact with them, they avoid being emotionally involved. “When the relationship becomes too serious for the anxious-avoidant partner, a partner may feel as though they can never get inside and will ultimately be stone-walled or ignored.”
Anxious Attachment Style
l An additional form of insecure attachment called anxious attachment style, often known as anxious-ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied, is characterized by:
l Dread of being rejected
l Reliance on a partner for approval and emotional control, fear of desertion
l A tendency to co-depend
How it progresses?
This form of attachment is the result of uneven, inattentive parenting.
“These kids have a hard time comprehending their parents and don’t know what to expect from them in the future. They frequently feel insecure and confused about their ties with their parents, according to Peoples.
When their caregivers leave, children with this attachment pattern experience extremely high levels of distress. Occasionally, parents will be helpful and attentive to their children’s needs, but other times, they won’t be, she continues.
Jordan points out that if you have an anxious attachment style, your parents might as well have:
Alternated between being excessively accommodating and distant or indifferent, easily overwhelmed, and occasionally attentive before pushing you away and making you accountable for how they felt.
As a result, Peoples claims that these kids frequently develop co-dependence because they believe they should take care of other people’s feelings as they grow up.
Signs
You may exhibit an Anxious Attachment Style if you have:
l The tendency to cling
l Extremely receptive to criticism (real or perceived)
l Seeking others’ approval
l Tendency to be envious
l Fear of rejection that is very strong, a low sense of worthiness for love, trouble being alone, and a big fear of abandonment
l A problem with trusting others
How it appears in partnerships?
Peoples claims that those who have anxious attachment styles typically feel unworthy of love and depend on their relationships for frequent reinforcement.
Because of their low self-esteem, she claims that they frequently blame themselves for marital problems and frequently show excessive jealously or mistrust.
In the end, there is a deep-seated fear of being left behind, turned away from, or alone. And these are the normal ways in which those fears manifest themselves.
Disorganized Attachment Style
According to Peoples, “very inconsistent behavior and trouble trusting others are definitions of disorganized attachment style.”
How it progresses?
The most frequent causes of an Disorganized Attachment Style include abuse, neglect, and childhood trauma. There is also a fear of their parents, who represent their sense of security.
Children who exhibit this attachment pattern could appear perplexed.
According to Peoples, “Caregivers are inconsistent and frequently viewed as sources of comfort and terror by their children, which contributes to their ad-hoc behaviors.”
Signs
Disorganized Attachment Style could show these symptoms:
l Dread Of Being Rejected
l Incapacity To Control One’s Emotions
l Inconsistent Actions
l Heightened Anxiety
l A Problem With Trusting Others
l Indications of both Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Patterns
According to Jordan, this kind is connected to a number of adult mental health disorders, such as:
l Personality Disorders
l Mood Disorders
l Drug Abuse
l Self-Harm
How it appears in partnerships?
People with disorganized attachment patterns frequently behave in unanticipated and perplexing ways in relationships. According to Jordan, they go around between being emotional and attached and distant and autonomous.
They push potential partners away while also frantically seeking love, according to Peoples. “They don’t shy away from emotional closeness even though they think they’ll constantly be rejected. They constantly avoid it out of fear, but when they do, they reject it once more.
She continues, “They continue to struggle between the desire for security and dread, and they behave in unpredictable ways inside their relationships, perceiving their partners as unpredictable.
Figurative illustration of Attachment Styles
